Urban Leadership Foundation
A hub for leadership training in cities and among the world's 1.4 billion slum-dwellers
Ieda Grigg, June 2007
The death of a loved one is one of the most profound of all sorrows. The pain that comes with such a loss is intense, preoccupying and depleting, affecting our emotions, our bodies, our lives . This is called Grief.
Goals of this session:
1. Understand what grief is.
2. How it is experienced
3. How to embrace your grief
4. Some steps towards recovery
Grief is our natural and normal response to
a loss of any kind.
Grief is a normal reaction to the loss of
something or someone which has been significant in our lives.
Grief is not a sign of weakness or lack of
faith. (Jesus himself wept as he grieved the death of his friend –Lazarus,
John 11:33-36).
Grief is not a disease- to be wounded is
not to be sick.
1. Numbness: Not feeling anything after a major loss is the way our body looks after us.
2. Emptiness, Loneliness, Isolation:
Emptiness is the sense of being diminished
from within
Loneliness is its counterpart - the sense
that one’s surrounding are also empty of people who matter or care.
Isolation- is the sense of being divided
from others by invisible boundaries.
3. Fear and Anxiety: Because we are social creatures, experienced as a threat to the self. The future also needs to be reassessed.
4. Guilt: Assuming responsibility for an individual loss
5. Sadness: A sad person knows who or what s/he has lost and yearns for his or /its return.
6. Anger: Is a normal reaction to loss and a natural part of the grieving process.
Anger is a form of protest for what has happened
7. Fatigue: It does not matter how much you sleep there is this continual feeling of overwhelming tiredness.
8. Self- reproach: could have done something more to help the one who died, or whatever was lost.
9. Painful Longing: Your heart aches for that person.
Loss activates grief as surely as night follows day. Those losses can be classified in different groups:
Physical Loss:
the loss of a limb, the loss of function-stroke, blindness.
Psychological Loss:
the loss of memory- Alzheimer’s, independence.
Material Loss:
the loss of a physical object or familiar surroundings to which one has an
important attachment – family farmhouse, pet.
Relationship Loss:
it may be related to moving away, divorce, death, job change.
Role Loss:
the loss of a specific role or of one’s accustomed place in a social
network/retirement/ redundancy, or even been promoted.
Fantasy Loss:
the death of a dream.
Every single loss has in it the potential for multiple losses ( Redundancy).
However we all will experience it in four main different levels in our shared humanity:
Physically:
Huge weight in the chest, insomnia, loss of appetite, headache…
Psychologically:
Anxiety, Depression, Resentment, Sense of Relief, Sense of Guilt
Spiritually:
Redefining Values/ Reclaiming Faith/ Is there a God? Why is there
Suffering?
Intellectually:
Lack of concentration, Confusion, Disbelief, Memory Loss.
A CLOSER LOOK AT GRIEF
Anticipatory Grief:
grieving that occurs prior to the actual loss
Disenfranchised Grief:
grief that is not commonly acknowledged.
Complicated Grief:
a person finds herself stuck in one of the processes of grieving and can
not move on.
Secondary Grief:
When you lose someone and by default you end up losing others as well.
A. Recognize the Intensity of Our Grief
The stronger the bonds, the greater will the sense of loss be. It is like a surgery the deeper it is the longer it will take to heal. But to heal it will given time and attention.
Such as the loss of your spouse and the
ramifications of combined losses in it.
The change of dynamics within the family
after the death of a loved one.
Finding new ways to relate to the person
who died.
B. Things We Should Know about Grief
Time: Your
grief will take longer than most people think .
Intensity:
Your grief will take more energy than you would ever imagined.
Social Process:
The Paradox of Grief is that grieving is a private but also public matter.
Concertina Effect:
You will grieve for what you have lost, but also for the future and all the
would be’s.
Uniqueness:
Everyone grieves differently and shows their grief in different ways.
Personal:
Grief is universal, yet extremely personal
Transformation: Grieving has the power to change the landscape of our lives forever.